Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Adios, Cowboy Killers
I miss smoking. Not constantly, not in a way that drives me crazy to light up a cigarette. But now and then, the thought crosses my mind that I miss the relaxation it allowed me. For me, it was the habit, the comfort of those habits. Sitting in my office, at the desk, a cigarette burning in an ashtray, reaching for it without thought and taking that shallow drag. Just enough to fill my mouth with the taste.
It soothed me. That rhythmic hand motion while I talked with my Love or wrote thoughts and emotion, watched Youtube videos, read books or simply surfed the net. The mistake I made was tying the habit of smoking with my relaxing alone time at the computer. They seem forever mated in my mind.
I've purchased a rechargeable e-cigarette and cartridges. When I feel the need for those habitual hand to mouth movements, I reach for that instead and it helps. I blow out the vapor and feel like I'm blowing pain out with it. Fibro-pain or IBS-pain or headache-pain. It's one of my forms of release.
I won't ever smoke a real cigarette again. I was forced into that decision by the surgery that I mentioned a couple blog posts ago. I know it's better for my health, that I have made the best decision for my body. I focus on that and the days slip by. It's been three weeks since my last cigarette. I wait for a month, a year. I wait to quit missing that relaxing exhale of grey smoke.