Thinking About Dying Is Normal

I've been drawn to sad books for the last few months.  If they have anything to do with illness and/or death, or the spirituality of being either of those things, I'm reading it, studying the message and how it might be similar to my life.  I kept feeling bad about it though, like I was being morbid or I somehow didn't have the right to think about death because my disease isn't terminal. 

I couldn't tell those closest to me that I was reading those books.  Nor could I tell them what I was learning and taking from the stories.  If I were already judging myself as being morbid, what would they think?  Would they think I had some kind of obsessive curiosity or worry that I was suicidal?  Would they pity me?   How could I tell any of them the truth about why I was reading them and risk making them sad?

Then there came a point where I really wanted to tell them about those books.  I wanted to show them quotes and explain how the words made me feel, the ways in which they enlightened & comforted, knowing I wasn't alone in any part of my own story.  People have traveled the path of various illness and disease since time began.  The unifying moments of the human race are birth, love, loss and death.

I want to tell those I love this one thing, first and foremost - My life has been everything I ever wanted it to be and I have accomplished and been successful at what I chose to be important - my children and being a mother to them.  Loving them without conditions or limits, without restraint and judgement, and with every fiber of my being so they would know through the entirety of their own lives that they matter.  

I want to tell those that love me that it's normal for anyone who is sick for a long time to think about death.  I have not been given an expiration date by a doctor - "six months to a year at most."   I'm not counting down the seasons, wondering if this will be my last birthday or Christmas. And yet, when you feel pain every day and your body ever so slowly deteriorating, when you lose your quality of life by inches and missed moments, when you look in the mirror and watch yourself fade, you search for acceptance and peace.  But first, you grieve. 

Being chronically or terminally ill comes with blessings -  the time to plan and to tie up loose ends, time for grief and acceptance, realizing, with a sharper clarity, what's important.  Time to do all the things we've been putting off because life got in the way of living.  Time to tell our stories and somethings, hoping to be remembered after we are gone.  Time to find our God.  And, time to say goodbye which is the most important of all.  

These are a few of the things I'm learning as I read those books.  This is my journey and they are a part of it.  I'm meant to read them, to learn and to share it because we grow all the way to the end.