Today I begin therapy. Not the kind that works on my muscles and bones, rather, the kind that works on my mind. Three hours from now, I'll be in that therapist's office, beginning what I hope to be a journey towards balance. I have been counting down the days and now, the hours. Counting them down because of hope and fear. I need this to help me find the balance that I've lost to fibromyalgia.
I'm scared because I'm not sure if I realized how much work this might turn out to be. I have to find a way to reveal myself to this male therapist. I point out his gender because I don't trust men. Due to things that happened during my childhood, I have no reason to trust them. But, I've been on a waiting list for six months to get this opportunity for help and I need to reach out and grasp it with both hands.
I'm not very good at talking to strangers. I feel like what I have to say might be boring or dumb. I feel insecure. I feel, when I open up and allow others into my mind, that they might see the terrors, the horrible memories that live there. I know this therapy can't just be about my struggles with depression due to fibromyalgia. I have to talk about my childhood too, my son's illness and what that did to me.
You don't get to talk about things like that and not relive it in a sense. That's painful and difficult. A part of me wants to cancel this appointment, hide from having to communicate. But how do I get help if I don't? The answer is.. I don't. I need help. Just saying those three words, admitting it, is hard for me.
I talked with Tony about it last night. I talk with him a lot about it. I talked with Heather about it yesterday too, while we shopped, while we ate dinner together. Both of them have been so supportive and I'm grateful and blessed to have them. I truly do not know what I would do without their consistent presence, patience and capacity to listen and hear me, endlessly.
Today, I called my sister in law, Carol. I told her about going to therapy and how frightened I am. Before we hung up, she prayed for me. She asked God to be with me, to fill my heart with peace, strength. To touch me with his presence. I had tears in my eyes. It was needed. I love you, Carol. I love you, Tony. I love you, Heather. I love you, God. Thank you, all of you, for forming a circle of love around me.
"When you're weak, I'll be strong. When you let go, I'll hold on. When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes. When you feel lost and scared to death, like you can't take one more step.. just take my hand, together we can do it. I'm gonna love you through it." - Martina McBride
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